818bound2him's Blog

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It’s familiar!!

Tonight as I sit on my bed reflecting on the day, there are familiar voices that I’ve heard so many times before…why were you thinking , why me, what have I done to deserves chaos. I just want peace. Seriously peace. It’s promised in the scripture but I can’t see it or feel it right now. I love my family but seriously I just wanna scream because the lack of peace leaves me feeling like a failure and reminds me daily of all the chaos that is this thing we call life. On days when everyone is screaming to be heard I sit in silence and wonder who hears me. I pour out and pour out but there is no one who hears the silent cries of mom, wife, caretaker who just wants a minute of peace. No one screaming, no one hitting anyone else, no running this one here or that one there! No one telling me what a bad mom I am. No old ladies judging me in the store because I’ve asked you nine times to stop karate kicking your sister in Walmart. No looking over my shoulder on embarrassment because my teenager just told someone to suck her butt! There is this feeling of constant being in the wrong but I know this voice. It’s the voice of condemnation. It’s the voice of the enemy of my soul weighing me down to render me useless. It’s the voice of the accuser of the brethren who comes to steal kill & destroy. It’s the voice of every judgment that has ever been release against me as a mother. It’s a lie and yet it’s so familiar that I almost for a split second gave in to the resounding throb of thunder in my head! But here is the truth… it’s summer, we are restless, i tried it didn’t work!! Tomorrow is a new day and today will be gone in less than 2 hours so it technically doesn’t matter. I made it through the day without killing anyone, without tearing anyone down, I was stretched beyond ones normal capacity to be stretched and yet I am still standing and I will sleep tonight knowing the sound of my Fathers voice that is saying well done daughter. Tomorrow I will rise with grace and new mercy for the day and tackle it with a new song in my heart singing hallelujah praise the lord for his mercy endures forever. On days like today when I want to just run away I can say without a doubt that my Papa is good and I am well loved!! As I write I am reminded that peace is not some far off thing I need to cry out for. Peace is a river that flows from within me. It is a place of abiding in Him and truth is ive had it all day I just need to become more aware of the measure of peace I’ve been granted!! 

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